Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
