So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
