I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
