I just pynch a tree in the face
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Holy sore nipples Batman
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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