No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
