please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
