wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
