yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
