Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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