the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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