almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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