i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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