Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
