We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
