forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
