I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
