she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
two words: eviction party
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
