i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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