i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
