She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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