I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
