I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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