i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
