Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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