So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
