new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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