and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you never un-have a 4some
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
