But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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