I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
