There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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