you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
