me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
