You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
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You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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