Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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