Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
