ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
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Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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