So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
