I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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