she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
