The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
