Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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