Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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