she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
