I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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