i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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