he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.