im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it