bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
