I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
