she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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