life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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