I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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