My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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