i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I will pee on everything he values.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
