how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
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The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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