Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
