I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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