It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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