Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
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I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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